Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
You Might Also Like
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
How I like cutting carbs
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
What a year we’ve had this week.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!