I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
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Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Body by cheese-puffs.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it