*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
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I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.