feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
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wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
it is time once again
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say