Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
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Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
is frankincense just very honest incense?
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
the only bumper sticker ill allow