This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
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Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.