Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
You Might Also Like
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
“i am a sweet baby”
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.