Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
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And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**