John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
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*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
The fall of Netflix
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did