Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
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Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
same energy
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn