genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
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They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions