For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
You Might Also Like
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
NASA has no chill
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.