BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
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All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?