Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
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i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
What a chick magnet..
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
kids play hide and seek like
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.