Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
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wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ