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I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix