wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
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*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..