*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
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My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Incredible customer service.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol