I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
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[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
me hitting on a model
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Sex so good you see dead people.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
opening twitter today
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]