SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
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Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash