I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
You Might Also Like
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
wut hotdog?
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
hmm conte-me mais
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.