My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
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I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
greetings!
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
i think both sides are to blame here
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.