People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
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Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.