87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
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brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Some people were born into their job.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
My birthstone is kidney
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!