Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
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Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
this is how life feels
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!