I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
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Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
(yawn)
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog