Siri, fight Alexa.
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*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
boat question
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?