they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
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I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.