Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
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The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit