Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
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Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.