A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
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My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”