I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
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My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.