I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
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my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Why am I like this?
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Beauty and the Beast
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow