I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
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roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)