Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
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when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
next question.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor