ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
You Might Also Like
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Trying
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….