When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
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Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics