Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
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You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.