I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
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Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…