If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
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Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
i spent way too long on this
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
What kind of a cult is this?
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.