Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
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Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”