aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
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I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Beware of fowl play.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that