future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
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Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Yup….perfect score!
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched