Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
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I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?