Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
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What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.