My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
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Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
This is me
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
finally
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.