I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
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Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
you will never know the true number of layers
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.