Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
You Might Also Like
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality