“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
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everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?