Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
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Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes